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| I'm starting to no longer give a damn about many things in my life now.
I need to get out of here.
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| This is my final entry.
No one reads this thing anyway, so it's not a loss at all.
I took a long walk through the bitter, cold wind after all my classes tonight.
For some reason, my feet refused to take me back home.
Instead, they forced me to walk and pursue the invisible thoughts within my mind.
I've made a vow to myself.
That's the last of what I'll ever say of it.
I can't get this layout to be perfect.
I just can't.
I know how to fix it but it's just not working.
I've tried so many different ways to fix it but my mind doesn't want to function anymore.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
I won't be returning anyhow.
I've ended up listening to Radiohead again.
It's almost as if I've traveled on a circular road.
And I've returned back to square one.
How to Disappear Completely - Radiohead
That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here
In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here
Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here | | |
| There's quite a bit that I'd love to say.
But that time will come.
=] | | |
| The rain and the cold that I have wanted for so long has settled in the past few weeks.
I couldn't be any happier about that.
Take You On A Cruise - Interpol
I'm timeless like a broken watch
I make money like Fred Astaire
I see that you've come to resist me, I'm a pitbull in time
The pretense is not what restricts me
It's the circles inside
The anatomy of kisses and a teacher who tries
Who knows how we'll disappear?
Would you like to be my missus and in future with child?
You know we can't get back from here
But we can get away
Baby don't you try to find me
Baby don't you try to fight
Baby don't you try to find me
Baby it will be alright
Along the way, tears drown in the wake of delight
There's nothing like this built today
You'll never see a finer ship in your life
We sail today, tears drown in the wake of delight
There's nothing like this built today
You'll never see a finer ship or receive a better tip in your life
I am the scavenger between the sheets of union
Lately I can't tell for sure whether machines turn anyone
The anatomy of kisses and a teacher who tries
Who knows how we'll disappear?
Would you like to be my missus and in future with child?
You know we can't get back from here
But we can get away
Lady don't you try to find me
Lady there is no need to fight
Lady don't you try to find me
Lady it will be alright
We sail today, tears will drown in the wake of delight
There's nothing like this built today
You'll never see a finer ship in your life
Along the way, the sea will crowd us with lovers at night
There's nothing like this built today
You'll never see a finer ship or receive a better tip in your life
I see that you've come to resist me
I'm a pitbull in time
White goddess, Red goddess, Black temptress of the sea
You treat me right
Black goddess, Red goddess, White temptress of the sea
You treat me right
White goddess, Black goddess, Red temptress of the sea
You treat me right
Oh my love, we are sailing to Norway
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| Not to bring up a downer or anything but.
Apparently my grandmother was eating pizza with another old lady,
When that old lady suddenly and abruptly died right in front of her.
That's...*sigh.*
. . .
I feel fucked up for not wanting to talk to her at all lately.
For throwing her aside like that.
I should know better.
The fact that my dad started bickering with my grandmother,
Saying that she was going to die soon and that she had to figure out how to prepare her death...
It just made me cringe.
...What the fuck.
But I feel awful now for wanting to move out of here.
My grandmother's been telling me consistently that I cannot leave my parents to live without them.
That family is absolutely essential, and that without me, they'll fall apart.
That I have a responsibility to take care of them,
As they have taken care of me from the moment I was born.
If I move out,
They can't go through with their education.
They'll have to find some other horrid job to leave what they love doing the most; learning in a classroom setting.
My mother will become depressed and I know my father will bear down on her like he always fucking does.
And it's always my mother that I care about the most.
My father always acts like a prick, so I'm starting to give less shit about him now.
I hate how all of this is weighing heavily on my conscience...
Ugh...
Why is it that the rest of the world merely wants to dwell in amusing and fun moments,
When reality, in all its seriousness, should be faced immediately?
Well, I suppose I don't need to ask that question per se.
No, no.
I really do need to ask that question.
Because it seems like the rest of the world is just...
Ignorantly blind.
My thoughts haven't changed on this matter and it applies to everyone.
No one wants to listen or take on another's problems or difficulties.
They just can't and won't want to handle it.
*shakes her head*
These are my problems,
And I have to overcome them myself.
Lately, my mind has been in an absurd turmoil as well.
These dreams just won't stop.
For my entire life, I've never really had vivid dreams in a high frequency.
I've always felt that my imagination was lacking when I compared it to fellow human beings.
If I had a dream, I would be quite happy or fortunate to have them.
If I had a really nice dream, then I really had hit the jackpot.
Even if the dreams were negative or evil in nature,
I always found it fascinating to have them.
But every night, I've been having dreams that somehow applied to my current situations in either twisted or complicated ways.
I wish they'd go away.
---
On a side note however, I'm quite excited for the movie Watchmen.
It'll come out sometime in March which is coming soon.
Muse = <3 | | |
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